Rambling Out of Boredom

A friend introduced me to this website where you watch free movies online. Since then, I've already watched five movies and the list goes on. Trying to take your mind out of boredom is such an exhausting activity. Maybe because I've been used to not getting enough time on my hands. Squeezing every second just to get things done. Now all I do is sit, watch and count every second that passes by. Every breath is like gulping a pitcher full of water, feeling the water rush down your throat until it reaches the pit of your stomach.

So what am I pointing out here? Nothing really, just passing the time until the fourth part of Basic Instinct finished downloading.

So you see, boredom can be very exhausting.

Tough Love

There comes a time in one's life when you are at crossroads. Taking either direction would effect immensely. Different directions. Different consequences. I had my share of crossroads but this is one of the most difficult for me.

I have a friend (after this writing, I'm sure she wouldn't consider me as one). She's been a dear friend for years. We've been through tough times together and we survived it. Well, for my part at least. Her life is like a continuous telenovela, a neverending story coated with conflicts and challenges. Through most of these, we were there (or tried to be). Every tear, I tried to wipe it off.. literally and figuratively. The past several years I've been there, helping her in more than many ways. She's like a sister to me, somebody whom I just cannot leave behind. But lately, I feel helping her has already become an obligation. It's either a yes or a yes. Helping her didn't give me that sense of satisfaction I've felt before. It became stressful and nerve-wracking. Every message that came from her was like a suspense thriller awaiting for the next big axe to fall on you. I pity my other friends who patiently listen to me as I whine my worries and cries about her. They too became affected.

These past few days, she's been desperately seeking help from us. Another friend and I were at wits end trying to figure out what to do and say to her. We don't have anything to offer to her. I am currently jobless and at the disposal of my tita. She, on the other hand, just started on her new job so we weren't exactly at financial heaven. She sounds messed up but there was nothing I could do. I got pissed off that I answered her in a not-so-nice way.

Actually, I did it in purpose. I felt that it was time for her to learn things. Sadly, the hard way. I know I've been a good friend. But I guess sometimes friendships have limits. I love her dearly but sometimes you need to give a little spanking to make a point.

All Apologies

Since next week will already be Holy Week (for us Christians, anyway). I dragged myself to come with my tita at a recollection. Being new here, it was a venue for me to meet other people. Well, selfish of me, I really didn't think much of the recollection since according to tita, it was more of meditation and only a few talks. Unlike back home, we had a whole day of sitting and listening to speakers. We arrived in a house (yes, a house not a church or some sort of facility), with about 18-20 people in attendance. All of them were women, except for the priest (of course!). Half of the attendees were Filipinos, 3 were Mexicans and the others, I don't really have no idea.

One of the sessions there focused on repentance and going to confession. I recalled the last time I had a confession with a priest...until now I'm still recalling when. Must have been a long time. The speaker mentioned that one of the essentials in going to confession is clarity. We should be clear in stating our sins since most of us have a tendency to be indirect because we are shy to admit the deeds we have done. True. I am ashamed. But I guess for me what's more humiliating is spilling your guts out to somebody who you don't even know. No offence meant but I guess, humbling as it may seem to be, I would prefer to spill personally to God or to somebody close to me, like a friend.

And since we are in the spilling your guts part, here are things I want to say sorry for:
1. Not going to confession
2. Getting impatient and unknowingly scolds for the tiniest reasons
3. Indescent thoughts (being graphic about it wouldn't help)
4. Not listening to the people who know best just because they irritate me
5. Lies that I say just to get me out of trouble or successive questioning
6. Giving out excuses or justifications every time I make nasty comments on some persons' appearance or mannerisms
7. Instances that I totally ignored going to mass because I was having fun somewhere else
And a lot more which at this moment, I am still trying to remember..

To the people, I've hurt in the past, might I have known it or not, I'm sorry.

Starting My Engine (Again!)

It's been three weeks since I arrived here. Canada. My new home. Or so it would be hopefully. I left halfheartedly my first home with unanswered questions. Questions that still bother me from time to time. But I'm almost (about 90%) resigned to the fact that it will remain unanswered. A chapter with no ending. I moped around three weeks waiting and anticipating for answer or a sign.

I guess not.

I got my sign. Time to bring myself together and start anew.

Starting my engine again and make a move on. Life is a highway.